Transitioning to intercourse: Communication and Control

When the moment arrives

When the moment arrivesControl issues are so important when attempting to transition from dilators to intercourse. This is an overwhelming moment for most vaginismus patients, a moment in time that is feared. For the vaginismus sufferer, it is monumental to think about treatment with dilators and even worse to think of having actual penile penetration.

It is normal for the woman who fears pain to want to have a say in how things are going when the time comes to take the leap to intercourse. However, it is important for the woman not to control the situation and open up communication with her partner in a loving manner. I think I have spent more time supporting women through this phase than any of the other details of treatment.

On the subject of communication and control, our VaginismusMD Forum Moderator writes:

My hubby and I are celebrating our 1-year sex-versary on July 4th (the first time we made love in our 11yr relationship/5 yr marriage) and I want to share a couple of tips for those women who are now in the process of transitioning to intercourse. The things that really helped us were good communication, letting go of my need to control the situation, and allowing him to really lead and take control of his insertion and intercourse.Love for the vaginismus sufferer

We communicated very well while transitioning and he told me that nothing made him feel less manly (or de-masculated) than having me instruct him on the proper steps to follow for this and he said it was also a turn-off as he was focusing more on my instructions and less on the joy and fun of the moment. I was so happy that he was honest and told me this as it helped me to see it from his perspective.

The second element that really helped me was letting go of my need to control the situation. In order to do this, I focused on two things: a) trust, trust, trust – the more that we experimented with the dilators together, the more I mentally knew, trusted, and associated my hubby with pleasure and not pain and b) confidence exhibited by him – I knew that he had a lengthy sexual relationship in the past and, thus, knew exactly what he was doing. With this trust and confidence in him, I let him have the majority of the control and he entered very gently in the beginning and just fully knew what he was doing and how not to hurt me. Then, it was just like waking up with the dilator, I associated him and intercourse with not hurting and the more we did it and practiced, I then associated it with pleasure. Hope this helps!

This was a very helpful post as one of our other patients responded:

First and foremost, congratulations on your 1 year sex-versary! This post was VERY helpful for me as it is my main issues . . . not trusting that my husband will not cause any harm to me (I know that he won’t but in the ‘moment’ it just feels like anything could happen) and not having to be in control and allow him to just take the lead and for me to be present and actually enjoy the experience. This is just what I needed to read. Thank you again for sharing!

A Bright Future Awaits the Vaginismus Sufferer

Our Botox Treatment Program with Progressive Dilation Under Anesthesia has a very high cure rate. However, for previously unconsummated couples, going from impossible intercourse to having full, pain-free intercourse will require communication and trust with your partner.

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If you have any questions about our Botox treatment for vaginismus and progressive dilation under anesthesia, please contact us via our contact us form.

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About Dr. Pacik

Peter Pacik, MD, FACS is a recognized pioneer in treating patients with Botox for vaginismus and the author of When Sex Seems Impossible: Stories of Vaginismus and How You Can Achieve Intimacy. He has been in practice for over thirty years and belongs to a small group of prestigious surgeons who are double board certified by both the American Board of Surgery and the American Board of Plastic Surgery. In 2010, Dr. Pacik received FDA approval to continue his study to treat vaginismus using intravaginal injections of Botox together with progressive dilation under anesthesia.
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