Hello everyone. My name is Allie and I am a 25 year old woman who on the outside looks like she has everything together. It may even look as if I have a perfect life. I have a wonderful family, great friends, a dream job, and one amazing husband! Truth is, on the inside I am a emotional wreck. My heart is always so heavy. I feel sadness, guilt, embarrassed, lonely, and angry. I feel BROKEN.
I never felt those things before though. I had a great childhood. My parents were always very supportive and loving. I would say they were strict, wanting us to make good grades in school and follow rules. Nothing out of the ordinary though. They just wanted us to make good decisions. We were always involved in church. I felt as though I was a pretty good kid. I never made any horrible decisions or got into major trouble. I always knew in my heart that I wanted to wait for sex until I was married. Maybe it was my christian upbringing, but it was always very strong in heart that I would wait.
My senior year in high school I met the man that I am married to today. I knew from the first date we had that he was going to be my husband. From the beginning of our relationship we were both very honest with each other. We both agreed and talked about waiting until marriage for sex. A year and half later we were engaged and soon to be married! I was the happiest girl in the world.
A couple months before our wedding I made my first gynecologist appointment. On the way to my exam I remember feeling very nervous, which of course would be normal. As I got undressed and sat up on the table with my paper gown on I felt like my heart was going to beat out of my chest. Then, in comes the Doctor. As she tries to do an exam my whole body locked up. I was shaking all over, I couldn’t make it stop. Naturally my legs slammed together and I started crying. From that moment on, I knew something just wasn’t right. She told me that I was just nervous and to just come back after my honeymoon.
Our wedding day was the most perfect day. I get tears in my eyes thinking about it. My husband and I were very anxious and excited about that night. Consummating our marriage! Well, it did not happen. We tried a couple times but it felt like a hitting a wall. It just was not happening. We spent our week long honeymoon doing the same thing. We tried to make the best out of it, but there were a lot of tears from me. I remember thinking “what is wrong with me???”. I knew my husband had to be disappointed and confused, but he was very patient and just said that we will try again when we get home.
Three months into our marriage and we still could not have sex. I went back to my doctor. Her answer was 
that I just needed to relax. From that point on the search began for a new doctor. Unfortunately, we were coming close to our one year anniversary and I still could not find someone to help me. One day I googled the words “why can’t I have sex”. This word pops up on my computer, Vaginismus. I began reading what it was and what could cause it and etc. I remember immediately showing my husband. Tears rolled down my face as I read stories of other women with the same problem. I remember thinking that I wasn’t some freak! I am not the only one with this problem. From the website I ordered books to read and a set of dilators to work with. But there was a problem, I could not use the dilators. It was so painful and I was so fearful.
The hunt for a doctor continued. These doctors I found would look at me crazy when I would tell them what was going on. They did not really even seem to care to help me, one doctor even told me to get drunk, that maybe that will help. At this point I was very depressed. Medication was the only thing that would help. My husband and I went to a therapist who we will always be grateful for. I feel like if it wasn’t for him and God that our marriage would not have lasted through the second year. The next years we spent our time and money looking for doctors. I have tried sex therapy, physical therapy, hypnotherapy, anti-anxiety medications, and the list goes on.
As we approached our 5th wedding anniversary I dreaded it. It made me absolutely sick to my stomach. I was in a very bad place. I felt like I didn’t even know who I was anymore. This condition was slowing tearing me apart. The 19 year old girl who was so happy with life and excited about her future had disappeared. I was a 24 year old women who could not have sex with her husband. I was so angry. Why couldn’t I find someone to help me.
Finally, I did more research online and found a doctor that specialized in pelvic pain. I also found a Pelvic Floor Physical Therapist. I was able to make progress and was even able to have my first exam completed. But it wasn’t enough. I still can’t have sex with my husband. A few weeks ago I was looking online (the only way I have been able to find doctors and information about vaginismus) and thats when I stumbled across Dr. Pacik’s website. Botox treatment along with dilation therapy. I was up all night reading the website and spent the next day filling out patient forms. Dr. Pacik has emailed me and even called me on the phone already. I am honestly overwhelmed with Dr. Pacik’s compassion and willingness to help me. I am not used to doctors being this way. I am going to New Hampshire in November to get treatment. I have hope again. I will overcome my vaginismus. With the support of my family and husband I know I will get through this. Words can’t explain how amazing my husband is. He has stood by me the entire time. He has been my rock. I thank God for him everyday. I deserve to have a healthy sex life with my husband. I deserve to be a mother one day. I deserve to feel like a woman who is not broken. This is the story of my struggle so far with vaginismus, but it is NOT the end. I am very anxious and ready to leave for treatment. I will keep you all posted on the end of my journey. Until then..
Allie:)
..”Each time He said, “My grace is all you need. My power works best in weakness..” 2 Corinthians 12:9-10
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